Healthy Mourning?
My father passed away a week and ½ ago. It was sad for so many reasons, but the simplest answer is that he is gone. My son was married four days later.
When I first learned that my father was very ill and probably wouldn’t make it, I prayed and selfishly asked God to make sure his death would not interfere with the joy of the wedding. My father passed early Monday morning and his funeral Thursday morning. The wedding rehearsal was Thursday night, with the wedding on Friday.
Wednesday and Thursday I continued to pray that God would allow me to put my mourning aside, enjoy my son’s wedding and then help me mourn my father in a healthy way afterwards. It was a very specific prayer that I asked my heavenly father. He was gracious and gave me complete joy during the wedding.
The wedding was beautiful. There were tears shed, but they were tears of happiness, joy, love and excitement. There was absolutely no sadness that spilled over in this beautiful God centered occasion. When it was over, the next day and maybe that evening, I thanked God for giving me that very personal gift and once again asked Him to help me mourn my father’s death in a healthy manner.
But the thought has now occurred, “what exactly is mourning?” And how do you do it in a healthy way? Dictionary.com says morning is defined as:
1. to feel or express sorrow or grief.
2. to grieve or lament for the dead.
3. to show the conventional or usual signs of sorrow over a person's death.
Doctors, psychologists and others have written numerous things on the subject. There is a six step, three step and however many step process written. One site found has lessons called “good grief”. Another site actually states you have seven prerequisites to be able to mourn properly. Even Oprah has information on the world wide web about grief/mourning. We are inundated with information on the ‘healthy’ way to mourn the passing of a loved one.
I decided to search the Bible, my guidebook for life, to see if it would give me insight. It says some people mourn for seven days, three weeks, a month, numerous undefined times and one was even 70 days. Some people are described as having torn their clothes, wearing sack cloths and covering their heads. More times than I want to count, mourning is described in conjunction with weeping and wailing. I read these passages, and frankly, they just don’t sound appealing. So where do I find a real explanation of healthy mourning? And furthermore, does it really exist? Truly there must be more to this than taking an undefined time to mourn, tearing my clothes and putting on a sack cloth.
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks to You forever. Psalms 30:11-12 NKJV
Then shall the virgin rejoice in the dance, And the young men and the old, together; For I will turn their mourning to joy, Will comfort them, And make them rejoice rather than sorrow. Jeremiah 31:13 NKJV
These verses immediately caught my eye; they sound perfect for me. I want to rejoice. I want my mourning to turn to dancing. Yes, this is it. Now, how do I do it? But unfortunately, there is not a simple step by step process to tell me how to mourn my daddy. The Bible doesn’t tell me where to begin to rejoice and dance instead of being sad and mourning. Has my God abandoned me? Has he forgotten His promises? How can He tell me He is always there and never abandon me without telling me how to process this sadness in my life?
Thankfully, I realize there is more to my guidebook than just history told in the stories. There are deep wonderful Truths and lessons to truly guide us through our lives. My hearts cry began to reveal a beauty to me that is sometimes difficult to see. God is not there for me in the sense of someone providing a service to me. God is there. His presence does not go away. He tells us He will never leave us or forsake us. But He was not created for me; I was created for Him. I was created to bring Him glory.
I could become paralyzed with this revelation if it were up to ME to bring Him glory. Thankfully, that is not how He works. I was created to bring Him glory, not create glory for Him. When my dad died, God was glorified through the amazing people who loved on my whole family. They brought food to the funeral home, they sang to me, they brought flowers and food to my home, they held me when I cried, they told me they loved me and they even planned a rehearsal dinner and wedding reception. God was glorified not because of me, but because of Him.
In my sorrow, God was glorified. As I mourn, God shows me His comfort in those things that bring Him Glory. My mourning was turned to dancing as I danced during my son’s reception. My sadness turned to rejoicing as a friend sang to me.
There is not a step by step process that will fit everyone. We all mourn differently. We all have different needs. We process heart matters much differently. My mourning is not over, but I think I understand ‘healthy’ mourning. I don’t intend to ‘hide under my table’, which is what I’m naturally inclined to do. I will weep and maybe wail. But in my weeping and wailing, I will call out to God and He will comfort me. My healthy mourning will be defined by me and God and how I respond to His love for me in its many different facets. I will mourn my earthly daddy with the love of my heavenly Father.
Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.
There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing[b] as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt. Hosea 2:13-14 (NIV ’84)
The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17 (NIV ’84)
